


Empty Space

by lilyxxxooo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, BoyxBoy, Dan Howell - Freeform, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, Songfic, danhowell, phillester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 19:24:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18947305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilyxxxooo/pseuds/lilyxxxooo
Summary: Dan and Phil were so in love but so broken. Will they ever learn to forgive each other or will their friendship end in fights and tears?





	Empty Space

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Drinking, alcohol, smoking
> 
> Based off Empty Space; James Arthur

•

I don't see you  
You're not in every window I look through  
And I don't miss you  
You're not in every single thing I do  
I don't think we're meant to be  
And you are not the missing piece

•

2012\. You wouldn't believe it. The year that the world was supposed to die, end, shatter. You can call it anything. Though the world never really ended, it sure felt like it. Daniel Howell; what a man. A sad, regretful man. Filled with hate and distrust. Depression took place in every vacant corner of his brain, absolute terrors filled his mind; blood, war, hate. He hated everything about the world, all of the lying and the cheating and the destruction. He felt like this a few years back, when he was a sad, regretful teenager. Now though, it took hold like a lion to its prey. He felt betrayed; chains weighed him down constantly like Ebenezer Scrooge's twisted fait.  
"Dan?". A voice through the wall broke him out of his trance. He felt the voice ripple through him. A shudder, a mistake. Danger flashed in his mind.  
"What?", A timid voice. A once hopeful voice, drained of energy and sacrificed.  
"Food?", a simple reply. Worried and helpless.  
"No."

And that's how it went. From February 2012 until God knows when. Dan was so so hurt. Mortified that he let himself trust again. He was so fucking stupid. So stupid and gullible. And he sure didn't miss the feeling of euphoria. The gentle caress of fingertips upon his collarbone, then his arm and then his neck. A look of hope into his brown eyes. 

So stupid.

•

I won't hear it  
Whenever anybody says your name  
And I won't feel it  
Even when I'm burstin' into flames  
I don't regret the day I left  
I don't believe that I was blessed  
I'm probably lyin' to myself, again

•

"Do you not think we should invite Phil?"Louise questioned, in her arms was a three year old baby Darcy.  
Dan cringed. He fucking hated it.  
"No."

As the day passed, his mind cleared. Louise had that effect. They shopped and laughed and talked and ate. Just like old times. And that's what stopped him in his tracks. Old times were as they seemed; a long time ago. When nothing was quite as difficult or quite as hard. When he could rely on ocean blue to calm him the second he panicked. And my god was he panicking. Flustered and dizzy, he sat on a nearby bench. Louise understood, of course she understood. She always did.  
He just wanted to be held and told everything was okay. With everything in his heart, he wanted everything to be okay. And right there, in the middle of the shopping centre, he sobbed. He sobbed like an absolute child, blubbering and red and loud. He let it all leave him. The months and days of pain and anguish. The bottle he kept building. He mourned his relationship and his boyfriend and the plans they had. He mourned his happiness. He mourned his life. Fuck, was he angry.  
•I'm alone in my head  
Looking for love in a stranger's bed  
But I don't think I'll find it  
'Cause only you could fill this empty space  
I wanna tell all my friends  
But I don't think they would understand  
It's somethin' l've decided  
'Cause only you could fill this empty space  
• "Dan?" Louise begged, "What are you getting from this?"  
"Nothing."  
"He's not Phil," Louise whispered, her eyes trained on a sad, sad man. "Dan, he's not. Please just listen to me. He's not who you want. Please."  
She couldn't stop him though. She just let him leave, just like that. She cradled Darcy on her shoulder, crying for her friend. What happened? Things were so good. She spent so much time with Dan and Phil. So happy and so warm. Eyes full of life. They were so in love. Nights of words and stars meant nothing to them anymore. A bitter memory of times that were happy. Now? Not even a trace of the happiness remained in either of them. They were still so in love but they were so fucking broken. So so broken.  
•Space, space  
This empty space  
Space, space  
This—  
'Cause only you could fill this empty space

•

Dan woke up next to the handsome, dark stranger. With blue eyes, lighter than the ocean. But...where was the sparkle. The sparkle his best friend had possessed in his eyes. The kindness and love and comfort. 

God did he miss the sparkle.

Dan walked home, his tears becoming a welcome feature on his face, the dark circles under his eyes now a constant reminder of the darkness within him. The depression that absolutely tortured him. Stole him.  
He wanted to be loved again. Just loved by the sparkle in his eyes and the warmth of his arms and the absolute safety of what was his family.

•

I've been drinking  
I've been doin' things I shouldn't do  
Overthinking  
I don't know who I am without you  
I'm a liar and a cheat  
I let my ego swallow me  
And that's why I might never see you again

•

Dan had left for the day, presumably with Louise. Phil reached under his bed, surpassing all of the happy times presented at the front to reach the half empty bottle of vodka. He'd only bought it two days ago. He needed a refill. He took a swig, letting the burn embrace him and warm him, before reaching for his wallet. He stumbled out of the apartment to the closest corner shop. Perhaps he would treat himself to some cigarettes? The musky stench would engulf him like the biggest hug of all. He bought the cigarettes and another bottle of vodka before heading back to the apartment. 

Once in his bedroom, he opened the window and took out his cigarettes and vodka. He drank the vodka. One, two, three gulps before placing it down and putting a cigarette between his lips. He lit it, felt his mouth dry as soon as the smoke hit him, he blew it out. God, did it feel good. He took another puff. One, two, three. Blowing each puff out into a ring and watching the shape dissolve. He held the cigarette between his fingers as he drank more vodka. This was so perfect. Absolute freedom. He puffed on the cigarette and drank the vodka without caring. About anything really. Not even Dan entered his mind. Well, apart from when he thought about how much Dan would hate this. Hate the fact he was currently puffing on a cancer stick, filled with carbon monoxide and hydrogen peroxide. Killing his lungs and haemoglobin before he'd even had chance to live. And drinking straight vodka out of the bottle. Nearly a full bottle in two days and a night. 

Suddenly, Phil felt sick to his stomach. He put out the cigarette and went to the sink. He watched as the Vodka poured out of the pretty bottle into the sink. He left to shower, the deep ache in his stomach absolutely killed. The guilt. Phil was sick then. All of the vodka left him, his blanket lifting. All of the tar left in a black goop, making him more sick as he realised this would be coating his lungs. What an idiot.

He needed his Dan.

And well Dan...He needed his Phil.

-2018 -

"Thankyou for watching! Subscribe, like and comment and we will be back with another video!" Phil exclaimed. How his eyes twinkled in the camera.

"Bye!" Dan giggled, shaking his head at Phils antics. How his smiled twinkled in the camera.

"Takeaway?"  
"Of course!"

And that's how their night went. They cuddled on the sofa and ate pizza and cookies until they felt like they would burst. They smiled and laughed and fell in love all over again.

It had been slow, to learn to love each other again. For Dan to trust him like he once had. And it was hard. Doubt and fear controlled him.  
Phil stopped drinking and everyday he made more effort. He made Dan dinner and sat by him as he ate. He'd sit by him and stroke his hand. Let the bond take over them once more. He needed the bond. And as time went on, Dan began to speak to him as Phil would sit stroking his hand. After even more time, it turned into hours and hours of just talking and it was so beautiful. It took nearly eight months for that first timid kiss.

And now, they're so in love it's mad.


End file.
